Cravings....

I have not written much of late, but today I feel like it and my mind desires to speak.

I find myself craving something more than this world can offer. It is a craving which cannot be seemingly satisfied but earthly things, at least that is what I feel now. Even with all the evidence for or against God, I still remain distant from him. There is an abundance of 'proof' for God, just talk to a knowledgeable Christian. However, all the proof in the world does not make God real. Let me repeat that, all the proof in the world DOES NOT make god real. Of course, you say it does. First, let me tell you why I am at this conclusion.

I cannot feel God. I cannot touch him. I cannot see, hear or taste him. I have emotions like every, single other human being. I have physical senses just like every human being. Despite all this, I cannot reason that God is absolutely there.

Why?

If all a Christian is, is someone who believes that God is real based on facts, then I do not want to be a Christian. In fact, most of the bible does not preach this anyway. David, the man after God's own heart, was someone who enjoyed close intimacy with the creator of heaven and earth. He had faith? Of course! How about Saul? He fought against Christians, killing and persecuting them, trying to do the very best he could to stamp this new religion out. He had no faith in the Christian god whatsoever, he despised him. However, without faith and righteousness, God met Saul! He changed his name to Paul and became one of the greatest disciples who ever lived.

Where is that God?

Yes faith is integral. But God can work without faith. He does, and always has and will. I do not desire a God who spoke last through a book and speaks no more. I want to follow a God who speaks to his people now. I want a God who I enjoy the way a wife enjoys her husband. I was to 'taste and see that the Lord is good'. Yet so far, I am yet to taste him. I have had experiences. But, all they might be is an emotion or a thought. It's almost as if there is a psychological equation which if followed will result in someone becoming a Christian.

Maybe I am being extremely cynical. I do not think so.

I think that God would delight in blowing his people's minds. All my reasoning and arguements against him. Everything here which you can read. Everything here is my personal journey. I CANNOT CORNER GOD! To suggest that I have, would be to suggest that he is not really God. This all-consuming deity should be able to constantly evade my thought and blow me away.

That is what I want!

All I am finding at the moment is that people have a need which can be satisfied in religion. Be it Christianity, Islam or atheism. Either way, something drives them to pursue something. I am doubting evermore the existence of this everlasting God.

'Come to me now, Oh Lord. I am sick with doubt and fear. I struggle in the mud of my thoughts. I am about to be consumed by them. Please protect me. Please lift me up. Please Oh gracious God, OPEN MY EYES! How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? How long must I be divided? Come to me now oh faithful Yahweh. I am lost without you. Give me just a simple taste. Just an entrée, just a foretaste of what is to come. Satisfy my desires in this scorched place! Be the centre of my affections. BE MY GOD!!'